“Oh my gosh!” “You’re melting away!” “There’s nothing left to you!” “You look great!” “Wow! I didn’t even recognize you! I can’t believe how thin you are!”
I hear at least one of these very sweet compliments every time I see someone I haven’t in a while. Or, just every time I see them. They are all well meaning compliments – and, yet, in losing over 110 pounds in 9 months, I have not truly found the ability to accept a compliment graciously. I’m not offended, and I love to hear it. But, mostly, I don’t believe them – and I am basically blind to whatever spell I’ve cast over their eyes. When I hear these things I usually just think to myself, “yeah, but look at my jelly belly roll” or “well, there’s plenty of thigh left” and, “but I still have 30 pounds to loose.” Why am I still fat shaming myself? And why the hell can’t I see what everyone else does?
[ezcol_1half] March 2014:
[/ezcol_1half] [ezcol_1half_end]January 2015:
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Strange things happen when you loose a lot of weight. I’ve lost more than 110 pounds or, about 40% of my starting body weight since cutting out sugar and flour. I primarily eat low carb foods like meats, green veggies and some dairy. I also quit diet soda and started drinking water. I still have coffee but for every cup I add in an extra cup of water. And, I started exercising – first by doing DDP Yoga and then I added in walking and my new favorite, hiking. I’m working toward a goal of losing 50% of my starting weight and so far, I’ve dropped my BMI by 20 points from morbidly obese to overweight. Whenever I write down my weight I have to double check that I started it with a “1” rather than a “2” now that my body is well into “one”derland. My rational mind knows how far I’ve come – but my fat mindset focuses on how far I’ve got left to go – just another 30 pounds and maybe, just maybe, when my BMI hits “normal weight” my mind will catch up too, right?
A few weeks ago I panicked as the waitress led us to a booth and it looked like I wouldn’t fit. The old me would have had to hold my breath, this new me, which I don’t really physically see (the mind’s eye is an odd player) had more than enough room. Just after Christmas I purchased a few new pairs of jeans in a size I wore in the 2nd grade (11/12). (9.5 months ago I was sucking in my gut to zip my size 24s.) They’ve already started to sag in my bum and waist and I’m in need of downsizing again (size 9/10? how is that even possible? nope – not model thin but seriously single digits?). Yet, I was so convinced that that particular brand was just grossly mis-sized that I even searched online for customer reviews that would confirm my idea that they run big. I couldn’t find any. In fact, they all said that this brand runs true-to-size.
Also, I don’t have to restrict my shopping to special stores or departments anymore. But, I often feel like I should. Last week, I needed some Cuddle Duds (thermal underwear) for cross country skiing and winter hiking. I read the size chart, knew I needed a medium, thought for sure that I couldn’t fit into a medium, brought home the large then laughed at how loose they were. And, when I’m shopping in the “regular” section of a department store (well, unless its the bra department but that is another post), or in a store that I could barely fit through the door of a year ago, I continuously wonder if the other women think “what is she doing shopping here?” When in reality, I’m probably a lot less visible to them than I think I am – I am just a woman, shopping for new clothes, just like they are. (I’m going to skip talking about the financial impact of weight loss in this post – but wow, clothes shopping during continued weight loss can really add up!)
My knee caps feel funny when they touch together, no longer held apart by lots of thigh. The first time I felt it, it was such an odd sensation – I also realized I need to moisturize more! My bones stick out from places where I didn’t actually realize bones existed. One morning I woke to my husband counting, and poking, each of my ribs. He was just in awe and both of us were in complete disbelief, though, I suspect for very different reasons in that particular moment. “Hi husband,” I thought, “I lost weight, have a lot more energy, still love sleep though!”
My husband failed to recognize me in the store from the back during our last shopping trip. A few days ago we were walking into the grocery store and being flirty and playful with one-another. He swung his arm around my shoulders and tugged with enough strength to pull my almost 300 pound body in closer – except that I’m 110 pounds lighter now, and I nearly went flying across the parking lot. Giggle, but another example of how fast things changed – and how even he isn’t used to all of the smaller me quite yet. In his defense, however, this man never stopped telling me I was beautiful – not when we met and I was 240 pounds, not when I gained almost 60 pounds during our first five years together and reached my highest weight – he told me I was beautiful and has found me sexy every step, inch and pound of the way. He’s a keeper!
I’ve never been vain. In fact, I’ve more often been the first to put myself down. After years and years of being teased because of my weight in school, I continued the teasing. I was always cracking “fat jokes” about myself and it became who I was. I think I addressed the elephant in the room regularly – because I always assumed I was the elephant in the room. Today, though, after some pretty awesome success, I’m more critical of my own body flaws then I ever was before. I know that I need to find a way to get past that. I’ve worked hard to get here and I deserve to celebrate myself!
I actually considered that maybe I need some help to wrap my mind around my new body. I did a little research and realized that body image distortion is a real phenomenon during, and after weight loss – women who have lost a lot of weight often still ‘feel fat’ or think that we look overweight. It turns out, body image distortion after weight loss is a real thing. I found this NBC News article, ‘Phantom fat’ can linger after weight loss to be especially helpful. It definitely made me feel that one, I’m not alone and two, these feelings will improve. I can admittedly see the changes in me when I look at comparison photographs, but little has changed in the reflection in my mirror.
Of course, I didn’t always let myself see the “real me” back when I was at my heaviest, either. Below is a photograph snapped by my long time friend’s mother. I hadn’t seen my “pirate” friend in years, it was great to run into her. But, when I was tagged in this picture, I clicked “remove from timeline” immediately. I couldn’t actually believe how large I truly was – and the only photographs of me allowed during most of my Facebook years have been chest up or ones where my children were placed strategically in front of me. I’m embarrassed now that I kept such a treasured moment hidden from the world – so here it is!
So, there are a ton of benefits to the weight loss, so much so that I’m saving them for another post (and maybe yet another post on low carb eating, hiking, DDP Yoga). I didn’t write this post to whine, I wrote it so that others struggling with knocking knees, phantom fat or other weird weight loss woes know that they really aren’t alone. We all need to be more accepting of ourselves, no matter our shape and size! I’m still working on it but I know I’ll get there!
I am pretty sure most of us have struggled with a weight issue, but have you struggled with any weight loss woes?
You really do look amazing. I’d love to hear how you did it!
Thanks, Heather! I edited the post in the second or third paragraph to give a brief explanation of how I lost the weight – low carb, lots of water and exercise!
I actually wrote an article about this a couple of years ago myself. Over the course of a few years, I went from 315 pounds to 225 pounds. I’m by no means thin, but when people tell me I’ve changed, I still don’t see it. I feel exactly the way I felt before, and I don’t actually see a change in my body. It’s a strange thing. You may not see it either, but you’re looking good. You are hawt! I say that with utmost respect. =D
Thanks, Ben. You remind me of another point that I didn’t really touch on in my post – when you begin a weight loss journey at a high starting weight those 10lb, 20lb even 50lb losses seem so huge to most people but you are still overweight, or in my case, obese – I often found myself feeling like I needed to explain “well I know I’m very overweight but you should have seen me 3 months ago – I’ve lost 40 pounds.” In reality, I don’t think that explanation was necessary or ever mattered to the lady in the fitting room, or the grocery store. Congrats to you on your amazin success, Ben!!
Erica! You can’t leave me in suspense like this! How did you do loose so much!?!
Ok, ok! I edited the post a bit to add in how I lost the weight. Basically, I went low carb, upped my water intake from zero to a lot and started exercising. I was a major junk food junkie (I think I cried when Devil Dogs went off the market for a brief time). Now, I couldn’t ever imagine eating a cake made with sugar and flour!
I think most women feel what you feel, women of all sizes! We are harder on ourselves and don’t often see the beauty that our body is. You are an inspiration.
Thank you Aimee. You are so right – we all need to loosen up and love ourselves a little more!
Wow. You are so amazing. That really is a huge amount to lose. You are such an inspiration.
Thank you so much!
My weight fluctuates and I hate it at the moment I’m fighting to find the right combination to help drop my weight after becoming less mobile I am sure I will do it one day but I sure wish it wasn’t so hard and I don’t half missing walking miles a day with the dog.
Way to go! I do have weight loss wishes that I am working on now
Best of luck to you! It is never easy!!
Great post. I think so many women will be able to relate. I know I can. I’m working on it but the woes are serious! This helps, a ton! Just even knowing we aren’t alone!
Thanks, Jeanine! Good luck to you with your goals, too!
You look great! Your story is an encouragement, I am working on a healthier new me this year too!
Thanks! We are all in this together! One day at a time and if you fall off the wagon – just get right back on! Good luck!
30 more pounds you think you need to lose? I think you look freaking amazing the way you are right now. I don’t think anyone is ever 100% with our bodies. I’ve never been overweight but I have always had a belly pooch that won’t go away. I did a Paleo challenge for 30 days, and lost 10lbs – it was gone, but I still didn’t feel super confident about how I looked, you know?
Well done on your weight loss, you honestly do look amazing <3
I definitely know! Based on the whole BMI chart numbers, yep, 30 pounds to go! Thanks so much for your super sweet comments, Nancy! Paleo is a little stricter than what I do but is similar in many ways – kudos to you for sticking with it!
Good for you! You look amazing. It is a hard journey!
That is so good for you. I am so glad you were able to lose the weight and feel so good about your self.
Kudos to you on your accomplishment! You really do look great & healthy 🙂
How inspiring! It’s too bad our minds can’t see our body’s successes – losing all that weight needs to be celebrated!
Congrats! That is awesome and you do look amazing. I have a friend that recently lost over 60 lbs and she tells me she feels the same way as you do sometimes. She basically also lost her weight the same way. Low carb.
I can’t tell you how much better eating low carb makes me feel. I have a host of issues that are better controlled with a low carb or low glycemic style diet. Once you cut out sugar, processed foods and the overly white crap, your body thanks you in so many way!
Yes, yes, yes! I feel SO much better too! I had insulin resistance as well as PCOS and extreme fatigue – all of those symptoms are now gone!
Oh my gosh – I love the progress of your journey, I hope I will be able to achieve it as well since I am now on that path of wanting to do weightloss.
Not saying it’s right or that it doesn’t stink but I do think it’s human nature to focus on how far there is left to go than the progress made. It’s especially hard when it comes to something like weight loss, which is wrapped up in self image and self esteem and just plain who a person is.
That’s funny about the almost catapult across the parking lot!! You look really great!!
Haha we definitely giggled a lot about that. Thanks!!
I love this post on so many levels. Many years ago I lost a lot of weight and went through these same motions, especially the changes in my body. But, to me I was still the fat kid everyone made fun of. Over the years the weight has come back. I am my own worst enemy so that self-hate and the fat jokes have come back. I see that fat kid people made fun of and even though they aren’t really making fun of me, I am making fun of myself. I wish I could stop. It is hard though, to love yourself. But I am working on that this year.
Wow, congratulations on the NEW you! You look freakin’ fantastic too!!! That cracked me up about your husband waking you up counting your ribs. So cute!
I’ve only had people ask em “Did you lose weight” when in fact I gained, and that just made me feel much worse -especially since I was trying to lose weight.
Erica, I applaud your effort and determination. Losing 110 Ibs is something to be proud of and your story will be an inspiration to other women on the weight loss journey. Bravo!
That is truly amazing! Congratulations! Your hard work has paid off.
You look fantastic! I was weighing in the 170 – 175 lb. range when I was a teenager. It wasn’t until I was 16 or 17 that I lost 30 lbs. I didn’t experience loose skin like some do since I’m very solid, but I did experience stretch marks (mainly on my upper thighs) from the weight loss.
You look amazing. It can be hard to see ourselves the way others see us. Keep up all the hard work.
Absolutely amazing!!! I don’t think I’d recognize you. Just a few thoughts-
When I lost 30 lbs, my blood pressure went crazy low. Dehydration gets scary for me. Please be careful with that! (Glad you’re drinking lots of water!) (I guess that’s my woe?)
BMI is BS- I can’t link the NPR article here, dang it!
I loved my new body, I miss it so much after baby #2! Hoping to get back in shape soon.
Again, great job!!! It’s just good to see someone I love taking good care of herself. <3
Awesome post! Losing that much weight takes serious dedication and I commend you for it! I’m so proud of you for showing off that last picture. It’s all apart of your story. No need to be ashamed of it – none at all.